In class we have been talking a lot about how it seems as though Esther has depression. She shows many signs, like feeling numb in situations, letting Marco almost rape her, decide that if she dies while trying to ski down the hill, she is okay with that. But it's hard to explain depression to someone who hasn't had it. As many of you know, my brother suffers from depression, and with his permission to share this, this is how he said depression feels:
Depression isn't a prevailing sadness, but a lack of any significant emotion, from happiness to despair, and the longing to feel often hurts worse than the pain. Depression is a disease. Depression is waking up in the morning and lying in bed for hours because you don't see any purpose in living that day. Depression is not bathing or brushing your teeth because you don't feel you're worth taking care of. Depression is being sad when something good happens to you because you don't feel like you deserve it. Depression is not caring about anything that used to make you happy. Depression has muted the colors of the world, dulled the tastes and smells. Depression has stifled my passion for anything, including my once vibrant lust for learning. Some days, I feel like I’m gonna kick the world’s ass. Many days I feel like everything’s pointless. Depression is the single most physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting thing I've faced. Depression has made accomplishing anything significant difficult; sometimes I'll stare at a math problem for an hour with no idea how to start. Most of you who know me know that isn't common.
Esther shares many of these thoughts and characteristics. The first day Esther goes to Dr. Gordon she tells us that she hasn't washed her hair for three weeks, or slept for seven days. When she first comes home from New York she is woken up by Dada and her children. After hearing what the noise was, she pulled the covers over herself and pretends like it is night, and says "I couldn't see the point of getting up. I had nothing to look forward to." It's sentiments like these that have us worried what is going to happen next, and what decisions Esther will make.
Esther also shares the feeling of numbness. When she goes skiing she says she feels as though she is fine dying that day, but she only got a broken leg.Esther also spends an hour looking over the same paragraph she wrote, and remarking how it would take her a whole day to write one page at the rate she was going.
Although Esther doesn't outwardly show many symptoms of depression, they are there. Until you get to see what she is thinking, you don't really know what is going on. Luckily Esther had Teresa catch the symptoms relatively early on.
I'm really glad you shared this with us, because I think it helped a lot for me. It is definitely easy for someone to label something as "depressed" when they don't really know what the specific meaning is, only an abstract thing that seems to affect things not directly related to you. Sometimes I don't like diagnosing characters in books when it isn't specifically stated in the book, just because I feel like the book is meant to be read where we are trying to understand the character, rather than labeling them as something and using that as a catalyst for their actions and their problems in the story. However, I have found understanding this idea of depression and Esther to be valuable for me to understand her as a character, and this point helped me understand it even more.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to thank you for sharing this. You are definitely right that depression, for those who have never suffered from it, is very hard to understand. Some behaviors associated with depression, such as not getting out of bad, or not showering cleaning etc., can seem completely unreasonable--and I think that your brother's description, as well as Esther's reasonings and very real feelings can only help to promote understanding.
ReplyDeleteGiven the novel's generally jaded view of medical authorities, and in particular their treatment of women, it's good to remind us of Teresa's perceptive role in recommending that Esther needs something more than sleeping pills. Too bad that the doctor she sends her to (Gordon) is more symptomatic of what Esther dislikes about medicine and science (and men) than a sympathetic or understanding therapist.
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